Deserved..

Nothing can express how much I hate myself and my life atm..I'm a screw up at everything, i fail my parents, i fail school, i fail to be a good person, and i failed the one thing i valued most of all..
I cant even have a 'forever true love' without screwing up somewhere along the golden road..
*
It's been days since you left me, and I still hurt : (
i dont think i can get over you
since the day, i developed an eating problem, when i am about to eat my stomach twists and churns, making a knot of itself, i love my food but now i cant eat as much as i used to because of the searing pain and eruption of emotions it causes
i dont tell my parents, so i try not to put all too much on my plate so they dont notice my smaller meals
*
im happy i have school now
its somewhere were im always talking to someone and i can take my mind off my suffering
again, i thank you quinn, for being there for me and letting me tell every one of my emotions and feelings to you, i need someone to talk to, bottling things up is rly rly unhealthy and causes serious long term affect
*
i cry every day, thinking of what we had, what we were, and.. well.. now.. and also the future
i cant stop blaming myself so hard for this, i feel like i am the cause of someones death..
im sorry you didnt get the love and attention you deserved...
i hate using the word sorry in that sentence =[
it feels like a simple "thankyou" to an 80 million dollar gift for you
*
but i have to say, i always trusted you, but now i've felt lied to
you never told me what was going on anymore, i didnt know how you felt, you went off and did things without telling me, even after the breakup ur saying nothing about yourself
*
true love forgives
i dont think ill ever stop loving you
im in so much pain, the only resolution i have is to fall in love with the past, what we were and used to be - living in a world caged in the mind of its beholder
only then does my heart find peace
*
you said that you believed that i wanted someone better
truthfully, 100%, ive never believed there was anyone better, and i never wanted someone better
i wanted Y O U and only you
you were great, amazing, stunning, nearly everything i wanted, you were my world
but it seems like it had a visit from the Silver Surfer..
(Fantastic Four 2 - a planet visited by the silver surfer will be destroyed 3 days later)
seriously, someone greater than you would be some fictional character from a childs fairytale book
i remember telling myself, I'll either die with you, or die alone
*looks forward to a lonely and depressing life*
*
and you also said that you couldnt come to believe the words that came out of my mouth
have i ever lied to you?!?!
H-A-V-E . I ?!
think plz.
either good or bad, i tell you everything, and the truth
if i say i love you, god damnit do i love you!
*
i cant stress how much i love and need you...
you were almost everything i could ask for! Its selfish to ask for perfection tho. Its not realistic. no one can ever be better than you, its sad to think that you want to move on...
i cant bear listening to breakup songs, or even love songs
but for a few nights i just ran through 'our' songs and cried into my pillow until i fell asleep
the day you broke up with me i bawled my eyes out, i shrieked and broke down in the shower, and cried myself to sleep, my mum heard, and saw something was terribly wrong, and she kept bothering me for 2 days to tell her what it was
i looked like a zombie, i was heartbroken, my eyes were red and swollen
but i guess thats all too familular to most people
*
just going to stick in the two things i want you to nail into ur brain from msn a few days ago
= = = = = = = = = = =
ive never stopped caring.. i really dont know what was with me back then, but i just remember the awkwardness of being put in the spotlight, and when i did talk to you, it felt one sided, i felt like you werent cooperating. i realised that i was enjoying you company, but later on i remembered how i used to complain that 2 hours with you was no way near enough time to be with you, now i had 8 hours to be with you, and it was very unproductive i guess, 1 or 2 days b4 u broke up with me i slowly sttarted remembering how i used to be and got the hang of freely and happily starting a convo thats y that night i asked for more time to give you love and attention cuz i got the hang of it again, looking over that awkwardness

i understand here you were scared, but no body is perfect, neither am i, but i believed that you loved me to just look over these things and i loved you too, and i was willing to look over them. my parents, my dad gets mad at my mum because she doesnt have the heart to write christmas letters, but they dont break up because of it. yes when we meet we might discover some more things about each other, but it is up to us to prepare ourselves for these changes, and we need to be willing to accept them
= = = = = = = = = =

me > quinn : the first breakup i was down, stressed, and manipulated by others that i could do better so in that state i suggested that our relationship wasnt going to work out. i didnt want to break up yet cuz i wasnt emotionally prepared but dan broke up with me then and there, after i day or two i plead for him back, he was severely hurt from that. i overlooked that time cuz itd prevent me from moving forward, and we tried to get things the way they were, but dan was never the same. i didnt realised that i hadnt been starting conversations, and he was tired of forcing a topic to start a convo. i didnt know what to say, and i was shy- being put in the spotlight, and everyday he had been hurting, feeling so alone and unloved, when i thought i had been giving him love (surely i was?). he just doesnt want to be hurt again.. after realising his feelings afterwards i promised on my parents grave, and my own grave, that id b aware and that id do everything to make him feel loved and that id never hurt him again, but, he was already decided.. i felt like backing my bads and stealing $3000 from my parents to fly over there. i was about to but the police would get me either at the sydney or seattle airport. im still willing to do it tho. i dont really believe in gods, but last night, i fell to my knees and prayed to the gods, whoever was up there, i was desperite, and i asked for things to work out between us...

quinn > me : i think to get him back will take more than praying. it seems that he may need you to earn his trust again

me > quinn : nothing would help, he couldnt come to believe anything i said. even though i HAVE NEVER LIED to him

quinn > me : i know... you have no reason to

me > quinn : i always promised myself i would die with dan, if not die alone. looking forward to a lonely life =]

quinn > me : so you want Dan and only Dan?

me > quinn : i cant imagine another man who is tall, strong, loves, giving, doesnt smoke, drink, do drugs, etc. yea, either dan or nothing, unfortunately i screwed things up.. again. its my fault. everythings my fault. do you have some sort of time machine?

quinn > me : if i did i would have used it a long time ago. and i would have used it the second i heard about this too.

quinn > me : good liar to everyone but me and dan ne? you always seemed as truthful as you could... even during the first breakup.. from what it sounded.. you seemed like you regretted it the whole time

me > quinn : dan just doesnt want to b hurt again..

quinn > me : then it looks like he'll never date again

me > quinn : no one understands me like he does..

quinn > me: yknow.. my opinion of you has changed a lot since i first met you

(gives quinn some quotes)

quinn > me : so he used it that way.. yes you might need to move on, but its not wrong to still want. i think for now though it seems he needs to heal

me > quinn : *starts crying again* i hate myself, nothing goes right, i screw everything up

quinn > me : a true friend forgives. a friend talks to you when you re happy, a true friend takes the blunt of the abuse and stays

and one last note
please talk to quinn, he feels sad because you once called him your best friend, but you haven't "talked" to him for months
he always has to start the convo, or asks if he wants to go over or if u want to come over (so he says)
just say hi to him :( he's a great person to talk to
and he keeps his promises, he doesn't tell me what u say (sadly haha)
- "make new friends but keep the old, one in silver, one in gold"